EARTH, Sol System-
The Planet RX2F7 has begun a recent propagada campaign to demotivate and demoralize the Earth’s populations as a precursor to planetary invasion and ultimate enslavement of all survivors. EHN, having close ties to the Glorious Peoples of RX2F7 Political Party for the Coming Invasion of Earth, was sent a preliminary packet of what all Earth Leaders will be recieving in the mail next Tuesday. While loyalists to or alien overlords we are still semi-human and felt it was onlyfair to appear loyal to humanity and warn them of their coming destruction, though it will make no difference. Hail Zopt!
Promotional poster to the RX2F7 planned Earth Invasion.
NEW YORK, New York-
“No one could have seen that pudding would change the face of Evolutionary science forever,” said Alfred J. Oop, leading professor and paleontologist for the New Braumington Institute of Old Dead Stuff.
Prof. Oop is referencing the fact that just yesterday scientists made a startling discovery in the rock surrounding the skeletal remains of Darwinius masillae, also known as “Ida”. Along with the skeletal remains is what appears to be the fossilized multi-pack of a modern day treat: pudding.
“How can evolution be true if pudding, as we commonly know it, existed then as is does now,” said Arty Wumlism, Creationist high school biology teacher at Saint Mary’s School Where Science is Dumb.
“God created pudding; it didn’t evolve from some proto-algae after millions of years of wayward species specific self-experimentation. God made this refreshing treat 6000 years ago and He continues to guide it with His divine hand to this day. The only thing we will concede is we don’t know for sure on which of the six days of Creation did God form pudding, because the Bible isn’t clear on it; we figure it was first brought forth and multiplied somewhere between the creation of the seas and the birds of the sky. What’s the divine purpose of pudding? It’s a good question, we will have to pray on it and then conduct a symposium spoken in tongues sometime later this year.”
“The Creationists have gotten it all wrong. While we both agree that “Ida” is our distant relative, maybe twice removed inbred and possibly adopted, they are blinded by their own faith about the truth that’s in the pudding,” said Prof. Oop.
“They seem to believe that just because something hasn’t evolved in millions of freakin’ years that Evolution on a whole is bunk. Have they really studied the possibility that maybe pudding has had no reason to evolve; it had already reached a pinnacle of puddingness. This is not to say that pudding won’t start evolving tomorrow, leading to a more diverse species of pudding in a million years, maybe a pudding with crunchy bits. We don’t know and no ‘dude-in-the-air’ just made the perfect pudding a few thousand years ago. What we need to find is the pre-pudding, the missing link between the fossilized pudding and the branch on the pudding family tree that engendered its existence all those millions of years ago. Initial inquiries lead us to believe that pudding may have started in the armadillo family tree and then separated millions of years ago.”
While the two leading theories of existence battle over the nature of the pudding near the “Ida” skeleton a new voice of dissention is growing in popularity. Calling themselves Boingists, after their theory of Boingism which supposes that all life on Earth and, in fact, all of matter comes into being by going “boing” in-and-out of the timeline, the theory is finding approval among middle-class citizens due to grassroots efforts by its founders. Brandon C. Guffton, a leading expert in Boingist theory, explains:
“Everything we have ever known or even will know already exists on the Timeline. The peculiar nature of the Timeline is that things are constantly boinging in-and-out of their “respective” times and existing here and there along the Timeline. So the pudding in question while at one moment might be in your local grocery establishment, the next minute its boinging backwards to the Jurassic Age. Think of the Timeline like you would think of an avocado that has super-powers, but drives in the slow lane. Look it makes sense to us who are at the cutting edge of science.”
God has remained silent on the debate ever since declaring Himself an atheist in regards to the existence of human beings and has thusly not returned any of our calls.
Upon closer inspection you can see the fossilized pudding snack pack.
WASHINGTON D.C.-
“I can only hope I can make it to the hospital before I bleed out” says Jeffery Sitibibble, reporter for the Los Angeles East Ocean News, as he limped his way out of the smoldering wreckage that was once the White House Press Area. “They attacked before we even knew it, it was sheer pandemonium”.
“Its not like Barak didn’t warn them” says Dennis Sherbertison, 2nd secretary to the 1st secretary to the top aide of the 1st secretary of the Department of Social Affairs. “But you know reporters, always trying to get that one last question even after the President says he will be taking no more questions, praise yes, but no more questions.”
Both men are referencing Barak Obama’s recent declaration that America’s future economy and stake in the spectrum of world powers depends solely on the use of ninjas. “It came to Barak, or the B-Man as we call him, in a dream,” says Sherbertison.
This wasn’t any normal dream, but a chaotic one filled with the haunting of past presidents, laser beams, chicken feet, and ballet crazy hippos. After he awoke in a cold sweat the B-Man knew exactly what the country needed to survive for at least another six or seven months: A League of Super Persons. B-Man brought up his idea the next day at his cabinet meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff. It wasn’t until the Secretary of the Nuclear Wasteland Zone began giggling un-expectantly did B-Man realize that there would be no Electro-lad, Fish-Talking Specter, or Caped Flying Guy. B-Man called Michelle and asked her to please stop calling everyone in the phone books asking if they had any super powers.
It wasn’t until sometime later, according to fuzzy reports, when Obama was surprised by his daughters hiding in a white house plant that ninjas were his answer all along.
“Everything was going as normal as it always does until Barack announced the Ninja Stimulus Plan,” says Sitibibble.
We as the Media Elect have a duty to uphold, a sacred oath to uphold, and something else to uphold, but most importantly we must never report negatively about President Obama. I break my oath in saying this but the President’s plan is just loony, but damn effective. I speak for all of us there when I say we played our parts in fawning in overt awe of the Presidents plan, but when the floor was open up for questions President Obama didn’t seem to like the way our questions were going. He never gave us the sign to change how we asked our questions, HE NEVER GAVE US THE SIGN! I think it was Bob from the Evening Morning News that asked the pivotal question; something to the effect that if we are trying to help the American economy, than why are we employing Asian Ninjas and not American Ninjas. It was at that moment when Obama gave the sign and his ninjas attacked. Poor Bob, May God’s Pizza Delivery Men drive you home in their beat-up pintos.
“Sure, its unsettling for the uneducated American with what happened today, but overall I think it’s a good example how efficient the Ninja Stimulus Plan is and will continue to be,” says Sherbertison.
Look, the ninja is the perfect answer to all of life’s sinkholes, pit traps, and mole holes. U.S. economy going sour? Ninjas. The return of the U.S.S.R. on the horizon? Ninjas. Weeds in the front lawn during a neighborhood tour? Ninjas. Unemployment skyrocketing? Ninjas. U.S. banks and auto industry floundering? Ninjas. Average Americans unable to afford their first home? Ninjas. Major League Baseball batter charging the pitcher? Ninjas. The price of gas and oil on the rise? Ninjas. Anyone who doesn’t love the flag? Ninjas. The Taliban? Ninjas. I could go on and on but I think I have gotten my point across that ninjas, when added to the equation, solve the problem.
Protests have been few and extremely small due to fear of retaliation from the ninjas. Most citizens and pirates live in a constant state of fear, not knowing “if there be ninjas here”.
Not everyone is against the Ninja Stimulus Plan; some members of different ecological groups find the ninja solution a green solution.
Donations for Bob’s family can be submitted directly to Bob’s Family c/o EHN 1 One Avnue, Land of No Ninjas, TX 55555.
Barak Obama's Ninja Stimulus Plan before springing into action.
Area 51 Janitor Describes A Day in the Life of a Secret Military Base Employee, Part One
GROOM LAKE, Nevada-
Empty-Headed News was lucky enough to get the exclusive interview with a janitor who mops the floors and offices of the Area 51 complexes. In this 19 part series we will learn all the secrets that the Complex of Secrets has to offer.
Empty-Headed News: We want to thank you for agreeing to talk to us today and letting us know a little about yourself and what you do for a living.
Burt Omloota: Well, you’re the first to have ever asked. No one ever wants to talk to the lowly janitor. Everyone wants to talk to Janet in Accounts Payable or Neil in Bio Tech Research or even Horace in Backwards Engineering. Those guys never say a thing, especially Janet she’s sneaky always getting “laryngitis”. So what do you want to know? By the way, call me Bur, Uncle Bur; that is what everyone calls me; well they would if they talked to me.
EHN: So what is a day in the life of “Uncle Bur” like?
BO: Its quiet; a lot of mopping. Nothing really happens until the contamination alarms go off or something escapes.
EHN: Escapes?
BO: Monkeys. The whole damn place is full of them; some native species to Nevada. They were here first and the Complex just went up around them. At first they were pretty timid but then they got used to us, oh jeez, you look up from your desk and there is monkey fanny pushed up against the glass of your office. Kind of filthy creatures if you ask me, all pale green and hairless; I spend most of my day cleaning up after them.
EHN: They don’t really sound like monkeys to us.
BO: That’s what I said but Neil assured me that they are just, how did he put it, “just a bunch of ole cuddly Nevada natural monkeys; just don’t hug them they are actually not that cuddly.” At least something to that affect is what he said.
EHN: How long have you been working in the Complex?
BO: Let’s see here, I’m 45 now. I just had a birthday last week; no one came to the party. So that means I have been working here for a little over 55 years.
EHN: 55 years? How is that possible?
BO: Complicated and mostly classified; if you ask me it’s just a way to allow the government to rob you of your pension. Anyway, it’s some type of time displacement.
EHN: A Temporal Time Toilet perhaps?
BO: No, nothing Van Netherlands about it. Complicated like I said; the best way to describe it is “pickles.”
EHN: Right. So mopping is about the gist of your day?
BO: Mop this, mop that, now mop over there, don’t touch that it’s radioactive, you really shouldn’t have eaten that; if something explodes out of your brain don’t call us, we warned you. Not always in the same order but that is the day summed up pretty well.
EHN: Is there anything exciting that goes on in the Complex?
BO: There’s a ping-pong team; their fun guys, Chris from Accounts Payable, Wayne from Personnel, and Eugene from Planetary Ballistics. Then there is J, it is some androgynous alien from some far flung nebula, and Janet’s sister Amy, who I think is sleeping with J now; she was going out with Neil before.
EHN: Speaking of relationships do you have any kids, maybe a wife?
BO: No, none for me. It is kind of hard to keep a relationship going while working at the Complex. It’s not like you can go home and say “guess what honey, Adam from Research let me cut into a body today. The ‘Plex, as it’s known around here, frowns a bit on that.
EHN: So how do you pass the time then?
BO: I talk to my mop. I talk to it as if it were my long lost Aunt Beth. Actually she wasn’t really my aunt, just someone I used to see at night, sitting across the way from me at the all night diner from time to time. Sometimes on lunch though, I go outside and look where I think the Google satellite is, collecting all of its photos, and say “hey its me, Uncle Bur, there is nothing to see here; but don’t go, I’m lonely.” Then I wave like you would wave to your grandmother after you drop her off in a home, leaving her to die. I know the Eye of Google won’t die though and He will be back tomorrow.
EHN: Where do you see yourself in the next 10 years?
BO: Mars. The Color Lemon Yellow. Either.
EHN: Wait, what?
"Uncle Bur" poses for a photo in front of Area 51 boundry sign.
GOODNESS, Wyoming-
“I am terrified to think what my son might have seen if he wasn’t crushed almost immediately” said one resident of the town of Goodness.
The town was the scene of horrific devastation early yesterday as a giant robot started attacking the homes and businesses of sleeping residents. While ninety percent of the town was razed, the most troubling part of the whole incident to the citizens was not the destruction but the cavalier attire, or lack thereof, of the robotic assailant.
“It’s not like it was a small robot, something we could have thrown a coat over and forgot about, no it was bigger than our silos even at a distance. There was no stopping its indecency” said Edward Ouswitchens, self-appointed mayor of the town.
“I give you heat. I give you heat” said the robot repeatedly, giving little indication as to why the attack occurred.
“I don’t really care why it happened” said Wayne P. Ishcabible, the town’s sheriff.
“What I want to know is why its creators never bothered to give it a suitable outfit especially knowing that its path of destruction might one day lead to a family-oriented town. But no, it was as naked as a blue jaybird all wires, cables, Cathode Ray Tubes, klystrons, oscilloscopes, transistors, and one pretty well-endowed magnetron. It was horrifying to look upon!”
“All my daughter keeps saying is ‘I saw a diode, I saw a diode. No matter what I tell her she can’t forget the memory. It will irrevocably damage her and her children, if she even has any now, she’ll probably grow up to be a whore now” said Patricia Scoutsmanical, Leader of the Goodness PTA.
The town of Goodness was first founded by Puritans who decided that their lifestyle far too liberal for their liking; so they moved westward until they found a barren enough climate for their ilk.
“We are like any other town in America” said Jonas Coldtrain, a local gun shop owner.
“There is a post office, a grocery, some churches where we worship on Sundays, parks, a town square, three schools, a library, a hanging tree, police and fire departments, a small hospital, and our bums are sleeping on the sidewalk. We are just like any where else, except in our town we demand pants, especially for gigantic wayward rampaging automatons.”
“This isn’t the first time we have been ‘run over’ by a giant creature” said K. F. Fraes “but the other ones were all pleasantly dressed; it was more of a high social affair.”
“It must be something about the state of Wyoming,” said Johnson Qa, the town’s bakery chef “a little less than a week ago two mammoth ferrets obliterated the town of Backwater.”
Eyes initially pointed towards A.A.R.G.H. scientists as to a potential source of the robot. “It wasn’t ours,” said Arthur Whippilstips “you might want to look upwards if you want to know where it came from, think RX2F7, but hey, we don’t know for sure.”
“Luckily, we were able to eventually drive it away” said Frank Hooperwhistle, minister at the First Church of Christ’s Return to Condemn.
“Thank God; we have been hoarding weapons awaiting the next US civil war. They came in handy today; it just goes to prove that when the war does come Goodness will prevail.”
"I give you heat, I give you heat" repeated the giant robot as it destroyed the town.
GERMANTOWN, Ohio-
The housing market continues to falter under a weight of bad credit and corporate mishandlings of funds. As the stock market continues its downward plummet into Great Depression 2: Return to the Bread Lines concerned citizens wonder if there is any hope on the horizon. While these can give a general idea of the economic climate of the United States there is no greater barometer of the economy than that of the employment of the often over looked but common garden gnome, according to a recent report by J.O.B. Howard Financial Wizardry Foundation.
“We all thought it was bad, but not this bad,” said Clint Syrupson of the J.O.B Howard Foundation.
“So much of the American economy relies on the stable employment of garden gnomes on the US citizen’s lawns everywhere. With rising bills and greater unemployment more and more gnomes have found doors being shut in their faces inquiring for lawns to live on and others have been forcibly removed from lawns they had spent years making a way of life on. The illusion is breaking down, the magic is being dispelled, people are seeing gnomes as the creepy little fairies that they are; that sounds like a good thing but the entire first-world status is based on the prevalence of the garden gnome. Why are third- world countries third-world? Simply put they have no garden gnomes, it’s a ‘deal with the devil’ type situation; gnomes = global superiority, no gnomes = eating dirt with rice for flavoring. Most Americans are not prepared for a dirt-based diet; they need to be less ignorant about their Faustian bargain with their gnomes.”
“Things have changed” said Klooktar, a garden gnome with thirty-years of lawn experience. Klooktar, along with his wife Gorgan, have moved into a nearby hollow tree in the city’s community park along with much of his immediate and extended family. “We found this tree abandoned a few weeks ago. We think it was once home to some cookie baking elves but there have been no signs of them since we moved in.” A total of eight gnomes live in Klooktar’s tree house, his brother Sweetnits and his wife Wendy; his sister Roger and her husband Dominic; and Roger’s son, Shalzabrian, and his husband Elelonum. All gnomes had been working steadily until everything fell apart and soon there were no lawns anywhere, desperate times have brought them here.
“We have had to start seeking out alternative sources for work” said Sweetnits.
“There isn’t much work out there for garden gnomes. A few things have opened up for us. Some of us have taken jobs with the military as missile warheads for the tops of rockets; others have had rope tied to their feet and got jobs in the construction industry as leveling devices or something; lastly, others have found limited employment as riot bricks but that doesn’t have the long lasting benefits that lawns used to provide.”
“There are little pleasures left for us anymore, but we try to keep on with the old ways” said Roger.
“First global warming killed off our mighty steeds, the once great and abundant Pink Flamingos, and now the economy; we wonder why we care anymore. Like I said though, we try to keep the old ways alive. We still go out for our great hunts, sacred giant battle axes slung over our shoulders, hunting down our ageless enemies lawn jockeys and garden buddhas. Garden buddhas never really put up a fight ever, they just comment on how they are just going back to Bardo as we cut them down; no matter how many we destroy though they just seem to keep coming back. Lawn jockeys are another story, they were always vicious fighters, cannibals by nature, but in these hardening times they fight with a blood-thirsty cruel streak. They used to have some type of culture, now they are just gibberish spewing beasts that just pounce with jaws agape and fangs barred. Sure, it’s dangerous but this is one of the last things we as gnomes have anymore, it’s the only thing that gives us a sense of unity as everything else falls apart.”
Unlike their distant cousins the Truffle Elves have seen this economic meltdown as an upswing. “We have always enjoyed chaos and disorder; we have been kept under lock ad key for so long but now we are starting to finally have our time to shine, viva la anarchy’ said Harry a truffle elf of Union 504.
Sociologists are uncertain what the lasting effects will be for the garden gnomes and the US in the long run. “We could see utter collapse, a coup against the government with a dictator régime installed in its place, the extinction of the garden gnome, and the complete moral and financial bankruptcy of all of the US populace, rich and poor. The only ones who would benefit from it would be those damn anarchist truffle elves” says Linda Putters, Chief Sociologist of the American Smart Stuff. “Or everything could just turn around, we just don’t know, but signs are not good.”
A five-year old artist's rendition of a common garden gnome; now a rioter's brick in bleak economic times.
TRENTON, New Jersey-
“When something is bound to go wrong, it’s bound to go horribly wrong,” said Arthur Whippilstips, Lead Genetic Engineer with the American Association of Revolutionary Genetic Happenings (A.A.R.G.H.), after surveying the damage of yesterday’s creature attacks.
Just after three in the morning everything in fact went horribly wrong when recent test animals from A.A.R.G.H’s underground Central New Jersey research and plum flavored ice cream facility broke free from their shackles and ran amok through the Trenton and the outlining areas. Early estimates put the overall cost of the destruction at a little more than $45 billion leading to the Governor to declare a state-of-emergency and to begin seeking the use of federal funds. “We will take anything the big boys in Washington are willing to offer us, as long as its not FEMA, isn’t there enough destruction already” said the New Jersey Governor as he was stepping away from the podium at a press conference following the attacks.
Surprising enough there are no reported fatalities due to the attacks even though most of the damage occurred in the overcrowded residential areas. “You have to understand. Ferrets, regardless if they are 300 stories high and mutant, are generally well natured creatures. They mostly only cause structural damage, even in miniature version” said Mr. Whippilstips.
Local resident J. Retzo recalls hearing a large amount of noise before he left his home to see what was amiss. Upon looking out his front door and seeing the skyscraper sized mustilids he was left only to remark, “Well, that sucks.”
“They are kind of excitable you have to understand, once they get all wound up there is little you can do, they just jump and run and scurry and most importantly steal things, damn kleptomaniacs they are” said Reginald Swanothy with the group Ferrets ‘R’ Awesome Not Terrible Insane Creatures (F.R.A.N.T.I.C.) “Most likely the two ferrets in question were just excited to be let out of their confines. Though they might have dwarfed any known man-made structure they still think as if they were normal size.”
“A.A.R.G.H. started out as a federally funded agency in the early 1980’s before it became privately owned in the early 2000’s. Its original objective was to come up with wholly American counterparts to anything genetically modified by the Soviets. As the Cold War ended A.A.R.G.H. became a dumping ground for budget surplus” said Arthur Whippilstips
“When people caught wind that the Federal Government was spending $5oo on a toilet seat they knew they had to be willy-nilly with the taxpayers money in a more covert fashion. During our glory days we genetically modified bread so it would attack and consume humans, horses that had wheels instead of legs, government toilet seats that only cost $495, ringworm that causes flatulence and viruses that let people turn any organic material into onion soup. Those were the glory days indeed, the days when we really lived by our motto: Destroying Tomorrow, Today.”
The two ferrets that caused the swath of destruction were codenamed P and Z.
“When we first started tweaking the genes of P and Z we had every intention on making them bigger, stronger, and lightening fast. How else were we going to churn our Plum ice cream? Sure, the P and Z program, codenamed Operation Button Hole, could have great militaristic possibilities, leveling an opposing army’s city in a matter of hours, but that is just too far focused for us; we like our destruction wanton and globally massive. From what I can see here from the rubble and blind destruction we did well, very well.”
P and Z have not been seen for hours now. The last confirmed sighting was seen by satellite reconnaissance; it showed that they had buried themselves under a road as if it were a carpet or throw rug and then went silent, causing fears in the general public that they might return un-expectantly.
“I miss them” said one little girl whose house was not damaged.
“Where are they now; that is a good question” said Arthur Whippilstips.
“We think we last saw them heading into Pennsylvania. How do you loose skyscraper sized ferrets? I don’t know, neither does A.A.R.G.H., we just make this stuff; keeping control of it is someone else’s problem. Though someone should find them, they are domesticated animals after all and cannot live outside in the elements for more than a couple days by themselves.”
Test Ferrets, Z and P(bottom to top), as seen from satellite footage destroying Trenton, New Jersey.
We have heard the nonexistent pleas for more items in the EHN store. The least vocal and most quiet demand was for T-Shirts; well we have not heard your cries so the Editors are proud to introduce the first EHN T-Shirts, with more coming some day.
