EHN vs. The President

We at EHN had the lucky opportunity to get in a few questions to President-elect Barak Obama before being shot at by secret service agents; here are the transcripts filed at home office by limping reporters:

Empty-Headed News: Tough questions first. Previous predecessors of yours have been aliens. Reagan, Bush Sr., Clinton, Polk, and Jackson; does your allegiance lie with them or does it reside with the more human based Illuminati?

I don’t take a dime of their money, and when I am president, they won’t find a job in my White House.

EHN: So are you claiming neither or one-or-the-other, or some third nerfariously hidden and unknown and secret and occult new branch of global control group? With that said some say, mostly elite members from the group Butter for a Better Tomorrow, that your election as President is merely a ruse and, in fact, you’re a secret agent for some unknown group we haven’t given a name yet. Agent or Not?

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

EHN: Codewords and phases. Awesome, we understand each other better now; why can’t I Norwegian rhubarb my turtle flax? More importantly, now that Wally W. Woodchuck has been deposed as leader of Rx2F7 and Commander Zopt (formally governer of Geesh Beesh the 51st state of America) has risen to High Commander we have seen a change from once poor peace loving planet towards a wealthy planet of war especially towards Earth and America in general; what are you feelings on this change?

Money is not the only answer, but it makes a difference. Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

EHN: So you advocate direct war with RX2F7, as long as there is money involved? To continue you had some famous supporters during the last election such as super hero Nuclear Ned Nasty but conversely, you had some bitter opposition such as Golf Pro Frank. How do you see that you can bridge the divide in even just that one person?

There’s not a liberal America and a conservative America – there’s the United States of America.

EHN: Alright, dodge the question, that’s cool; you’re entitled to a few bow outs, just don’t make it a habit. Some have criticized you due to your lack of experience in defending America against the waves of zombies that attack our shores everyday; not to mention the baby threat brought to our attention by the followers of R.E.P.E.N.T., what is your take on this?

Operations in Iraq and Afghanistan and the war on terrorism have reduced the pace of military transformation and have revealed our lack of preparation for defensive and stability operations. This Administration has overextended our military. It’s not surprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.

EHN: Are you saying you’re for the Zombie Horde; never mind its not important, yet. We have heard you are looking into using an all Yeti army to deal with war at home and on a global level; what are your feelings on this and what about the galactic level?

I don’t oppose all wars. What I am opposed to is a dumb war. What I am opposed to is a rash war. Today we are engaged in a deadly global struggle for those who would intimidate, torture, and murder people for exercising the most basic freedoms. If we are to win this struggle and spread those freedoms, we must keep our own moral compass pointed in a true direction. When we think of the major threats to our national security, the first to come to mind are nuclear proliferation, rogue states and global terrorism. But another kind of threat lurks beyond our shores, one from nature, not humans – an avian flu pandemic.

EHN: Right, so um, yeah. Thirty seconds; what color are we thinking about?

We worship an awesome God in the Blue States, and we don’t like federal agents poking around our libraries in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and have gay friends in the Red States.

EHN: No, sorry, you’re way off, it was the color lemon yellow. Anyway, if we say “aluminum foil covered hats” do we understand each other?

Issues are never simple. One thing I’m proud of is that very rarely will you hear me simplify the issues.

EHN: Hmm, no, I guess not. Are there others?

We cannot continue to rely only on our military in order to achieve the national security objectives that we’ve set. We’ve got to have a civilian national security force that’s just as powerful, just as strong, just as well-funded.

EHN: Secret police you say? Plain clothes operatives eh? Moving on. EHN has rarely been favorable towards the Presidents, how do you plan on repairing our apathetic broken hearts?

…a lot of blood, sweat and tears… but we have just begun. Today we begin in earnest the work of making sure that the world we leave our children is just a little bit better than the one we inhabit today.