At the Heart of the Internet
AP KITTY BUNKPORT, Maine-
Inside of an old abandoned missile silo carved into the side of a black craggy mountain in Kitty Bunkport, Maine resides the heart of the Internet under the joint protection of members of U.S.S (Institute of Unknown Stupid Stuff) and A.A.R.G.H. (American Association of Revolutionary Genetic Happenings).
The Internet, recently voted bigger than God but just behind loyal hound dogs and shotguns among hillbillies, has for centuries been cloaked in mystery and subterfuge. Some have called it a technological antichrist until it was proven that the real antichrist is a small penguin living at the most southern tip of Chile in the Cape Horn district. Others have called the Internet a disembodied being without shape or form that no longer has a beginning or an end. Still others deny its very existence to this day.
“The very heart of the Internet isn’t all that interesting, really if you want to break it down to its most basic it is simply awesome,” said Director Alonzo Steems head of the joint task force. “There are a lot of crazy people in this world with a lot of crazy ideas; some ideas so crazy that they are true and others so normal that they are false. Here is a good example: Chickens. Need I really go any further with this.”
Through various check points and cafeterias we travel what is seemingly a downward trajectory. A good hour must pass by just traveling to the inner sanctum of the Internet. Before we can enter Director Steems asks us one more time if we are willing to glimpse upon the face of a god; even before we can acknowledge a sudden re-evaluation of the up coming events Steems throws open the doors to shower us with the glory of the Heart of the Internet.
A blinding light strikes outward towards us. We barely have time to blink let alone throw our hands up upon our faces but then it wouldn’t matter the light seemed bright enough to blind a sightless man. “Oh sorry about that” said Director Steems “we just added those new low-watt light bulbs and it throws one hell of a kick of light when you first turn them on. Anyway, behold before you lies the very Heart and start of the Internet.”
The room itself was rather nondescript, four gray walls, a ceiling and a floor. Scattered about were bunches of shredded Sunday newspapers. Some large wires did protrude from the walls most likely carrying out the very essence of the Internet to all the world; connected to the wires was what could best be described as a large spinning hamster wheel. To our shock and amazement inside the spinning wheel was what looked like, even though it seemed impossible, a Neanderthal man.
“We call him Admiral Cave Man” said Director Steems haphazardly. “He doesn’t really have n official military rank but the boys in Cafeteria 28 started calling him that and it just kind of stuck. You see the Admiral here runs 24/7/365 except when he gets tired and then well that is when people loose their bandwidth and their connections all together. You’d be surprised how hearty these bastards are, you just give him some raw meat and make sure you sweep out from under him every couple of days and he just keeps going. It’s not an easy thing to do, powering the Internet, that’s why a Cave man does it.”
Admiral Cave Man seemed generally happy and made no real attempt to escape his confines; he occasionally grunted but that was about it. Satisfied with the show Director Steems walked us back out towards the world considered boring on the outside. “You probably have a lot of questions; let me make it easy for you. We just kind of found him, no, yes, yes, occasionally on Tuesdays, only on the weekends, Cheers before Woody joined the cast, no, no, clearly no, yes, ask again later, and absolutely yes. Now you can take those answers and rearrange them in anyway you see fit and that is all I am saying. One last thing before you go, repeat none of this to anyone; just because you’re my wife’s second cousin’s nephew doesn’t mean we won’t hunt you down if you leak this to anyone. Anyway it has been swell see you at Thanksgiving next year,” said Director Steems before slinking back into the old abandoned missile silo carved into the side of a black craggy mountain.
An artist's rendition of a photo taken of Admiral Cave Man, Heart of the Internet.
