Area 51 Janitor Describes A Day in the Life of a Secret Military Base Employee, Part One

GROOM LAKE, Nevada-

Empty-Headed News was lucky enough to get the exclusive interview with a janitor who mops the floors and offices of the Area 51 complexes. In this 19 part series we will learn all the secrets that the Complex of Secrets has to offer.

Empty-Headed News: We want to thank you for agreeing to talk to us today and letting us know a little about yourself and what you do for a living.

Burt Omloota: Well, you’re the first to have ever asked. No one ever wants to talk to the lowly janitor. Everyone wants to talk to Janet in Accounts Payable or Neil in Bio Tech Research or even Horace in Backwards Engineering. Those guys never say a thing, especially Janet she’s sneaky always getting “laryngitis”. So what do you want to know? By the way, call me Bur, Uncle Bur; that is what everyone calls me; well they would if they talked to me.

EHN: So what is a day in the life of “Uncle Bur” like?

BO: Its quiet; a lot of mopping. Nothing really happens until the contamination alarms go off or something escapes.

EHN: Escapes?

BO: Monkeys. The whole damn place is full of them; some native species to Nevada. They were here first and the Complex just went up around them. At first they were pretty timid but then they got used to us, oh jeez, you look up from your desk and there is monkey fanny pushed up against the glass of your office. Kind of filthy creatures if you ask me, all pale green and hairless; I spend most of my day cleaning up after them.

EHN: They don’t really sound like monkeys to us.

BO: That’s what I said but Neil assured me that they are just, how did he put it, “just a bunch of ole cuddly Nevada natural monkeys; just don’t hug them they are actually not that cuddly.” At least something to that affect is what he said.

EHN: How long have you been working in the Complex?

BO: Let’s see here, I’m 45 now. I just had a birthday last week; no one came to the party. So that means I have been working here for a little over 55 years.

EHN: 55 years? How is that possible?

BO: Complicated and mostly classified; if you ask me it’s just a way to allow the government to rob you of your pension. Anyway, it’s some type of time displacement.

EHN: A Temporal Time Toilet perhaps?

BO: No, nothing Van Netherlands about it. Complicated like I said; the best way to describe it is “pickles.”

EHN: Right. So mopping is about the gist of your day?

BO: Mop this, mop that, now mop over there, don’t touch that it’s radioactive, you really shouldn’t have eaten that; if something explodes out of your brain don’t call us, we warned you. Not always in the same order but that is the day summed up pretty well.

EHN: Is there anything exciting that goes on in the Complex?

BO: There’s a ping-pong team; their fun guys, Chris from Accounts Payable, Wayne from Personnel, and Eugene from Planetary Ballistics.  Then there is J, it is some androgynous alien from some far flung nebula, and Janet’s sister Amy, who I think is sleeping with J now; she was going out with Neil before.

EHN: Speaking of relationships do you have any kids, maybe a wife?

BO: No, none for me. It is kind of hard to keep a relationship going while working at the Complex. It’s not like you can go home and say “guess what honey, Adam from Research let me cut into a body today. The ‘Plex, as it’s known around here, frowns a bit on that.

EHN: So how do you pass the time then?

BO: I talk to my mop. I talk to it as if it were my long lost Aunt Beth. Actually she wasn’t really my aunt, just someone I used to see at night, sitting across the way from me at the all night diner from time to time. Sometimes on lunch though, I go outside and look where I think the Google satellite is, collecting all of its photos, and say “hey its me, Uncle Bur, there is nothing to see here; but don’t go, I’m lonely.” Then I wave like you would wave to your grandmother after you drop her off in a home, leaving her to die. I know the Eye of Google won’t die though and He will be back tomorrow.

EHN: Where do you see yourself in the next 10 years?

BO: Mars. The Color Lemon Yellow. Either.

EHN: Wait, what?

 

"Uncle Bur" poses for a photo in front of Area 51 boundry sign.