President Obama Introduces New Stimulus Plan
WASHINGTON D.C.-
“I can only hope I can make it to the hospital before I bleed out” says Jeffery Sitibibble, reporter for the Los Angeles East Ocean News, as he limped his way out of the smoldering wreckage that was once the White House Press Area. “They attacked before we even knew it, it was sheer pandemonium”.
“Its not like Barak didn’t warn them” says Dennis Sherbertison, 2nd secretary to the 1st secretary to the top aide of the 1st secretary of the Department of Social Affairs. “But you know reporters, always trying to get that one last question even after the President says he will be taking no more questions, praise yes, but no more questions.”
Both men are referencing Barak Obama’s recent declaration that America’s future economy and stake in the spectrum of world powers depends solely on the use of ninjas. “It came to Barak, or the B-Man as we call him, in a dream,” says Sherbertison.
This wasn’t any normal dream, but a chaotic one filled with the haunting of past presidents, laser beams, chicken feet, and ballet crazy hippos. After he awoke in a cold sweat the B-Man knew exactly what the country needed to survive for at least another six or seven months: A League of Super Persons. B-Man brought up his idea the next day at his cabinet meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff. It wasn’t until the Secretary of the Nuclear Wasteland Zone began giggling un-expectantly did B-Man realize that there would be no Electro-lad, Fish-Talking Specter, or Caped Flying Guy. B-Man called Michelle and asked her to please stop calling everyone in the phone books asking if they had any super powers.
It wasn’t until sometime later, according to fuzzy reports, when Obama was surprised by his daughters hiding in a white house plant that ninjas were his answer all along.
“Everything was going as normal as it always does until Barack announced the Ninja Stimulus Plan,” says Sitibibble.
We as the Media Elect have a duty to uphold, a sacred oath to uphold, and something else to uphold, but most importantly we must never report negatively about President Obama. I break my oath in saying this but the President’s plan is just loony, but damn effective. I speak for all of us there when I say we played our parts in fawning in overt awe of the Presidents plan, but when the floor was open up for questions President Obama didn’t seem to like the way our questions were going. He never gave us the sign to change how we asked our questions, HE NEVER GAVE US THE SIGN! I think it was Bob from the Evening Morning News that asked the pivotal question; something to the effect that if we are trying to help the American economy, than why are we employing Asian Ninjas and not American Ninjas. It was at that moment when Obama gave the sign and his ninjas attacked. Poor Bob, May God’s Pizza Delivery Men drive you home in their beat-up pintos.
“Sure, its unsettling for the uneducated American with what happened today, but overall I think it’s a good example how efficient the Ninja Stimulus Plan is and will continue to be,” says Sherbertison.
Look, the ninja is the perfect answer to all of life’s sinkholes, pit traps, and mole holes. U.S. economy going sour? Ninjas. The return of the U.S.S.R. on the horizon? Ninjas. Weeds in the front lawn during a neighborhood tour? Ninjas. Unemployment skyrocketing? Ninjas. U.S. banks and auto industry floundering? Ninjas. Average Americans unable to afford their first home? Ninjas. Major League Baseball batter charging the pitcher? Ninjas. The price of gas and oil on the rise? Ninjas. Anyone who doesn’t love the flag? Ninjas. The Taliban? Ninjas. I could go on and on but I think I have gotten my point across that ninjas, when added to the equation, solve the problem.
Protests have been few and extremely small due to fear of retaliation from the ninjas. Most citizens and pirates live in a constant state of fear, not knowing “if there be ninjas here”.
Not everyone is against the Ninja Stimulus Plan; some members of different ecological groups find the ninja solution a green solution.
Donations for Bob’s family can be submitted directly to Bob’s Family c/o EHN 1 One Avnue, Land of No Ninjas, TX 55555.
Barak Obama's Ninja Stimulus Plan before springing into action.
Another failed Obama attempt at fixing the economy. Doesn’t the Barrack know the simple Ninja rule. Anybody who has ever played a a video game based upon a ninja knows that where there are ninjas there are bound to be demons. At first your like “Hey I am going to assassinate that dumb ass warlord and stimulate the economy” only to discover the warlord is in league with a demon from the pits of Hades, and Bernie Madoff. Now you must combat the minions of the dark one while trying to bolster your 401K, and balancing a budget that includes over inflated interest on your Home Loan.
Don’t they know that these things never end well.
They also forget the transverse Shinobi Effect on Depleteing Funds where you eventually find your self in a room of multiple bailout heads that continue to come closer while all you have is throwing knives which do little against the onslaught of AIG and GM miss use of funds; ultinately leaving you crushed to death and swearing at the reporting medium. Shame really.
The Editors, Empty-Headed News
I love that you referenced Ninjas vs. Pirates.
See, G.I. Joe had it right all along: Just send in Snake-Eyes. He’s all you need.
I guess it’s been a slow news month.