Scientists Once Again Startled By Darwinius masillae Skeleton
NEW YORK, New York-
“No one could have seen that pudding would change the face of Evolutionary science forever,” said Alfred J. Oop, leading professor and paleontologist for the New Braumington Institute of Old Dead Stuff.
Prof. Oop is referencing the fact that just yesterday scientists made a startling discovery in the rock surrounding the skeletal remains of Darwinius masillae, also known as “Ida”. Along with the skeletal remains is what appears to be the fossilized multi-pack of a modern day treat: pudding.
“How can evolution be true if pudding, as we commonly know it, existed then as is does now,” said Arty Wumlism, Creationist high school biology teacher at Saint Mary’s School Where Science is Dumb.
“God created pudding; it didn’t evolve from some proto-algae after millions of years of wayward species specific self-experimentation. God made this refreshing treat 6000 years ago and He continues to guide it with His divine hand to this day. The only thing we will concede is we don’t know for sure on which of the six days of Creation did God form pudding, because the Bible isn’t clear on it; we figure it was first brought forth and multiplied somewhere between the creation of the seas and the birds of the sky. What’s the divine purpose of pudding? It’s a good question, we will have to pray on it and then conduct a symposium spoken in tongues sometime later this year.”
“The Creationists have gotten it all wrong. While we both agree that “Ida” is our distant relative, maybe twice removed inbred and possibly adopted, they are blinded by their own faith about the truth that’s in the pudding,” said Prof. Oop.
“They seem to believe that just because something hasn’t evolved in millions of freakin’ years that Evolution on a whole is bunk. Have they really studied the possibility that maybe pudding has had no reason to evolve; it had already reached a pinnacle of puddingness. This is not to say that pudding won’t start evolving tomorrow, leading to a more diverse species of pudding in a million years, maybe a pudding with crunchy bits. We don’t know and no ‘dude-in-the-air’ just made the perfect pudding a few thousand years ago. What we need to find is the pre-pudding, the missing link between the fossilized pudding and the branch on the pudding family tree that engendered its existence all those millions of years ago. Initial inquiries lead us to believe that pudding may have started in the armadillo family tree and then separated millions of years ago.”
While the two leading theories of existence battle over the nature of the pudding near the “Ida” skeleton a new voice of dissention is growing in popularity. Calling themselves Boingists, after their theory of Boingism which supposes that all life on Earth and, in fact, all of matter comes into being by going “boing” in-and-out of the timeline, the theory is finding approval among middle-class citizens due to grassroots efforts by its founders. Brandon C. Guffton, a leading expert in Boingist theory, explains:
“Everything we have ever known or even will know already exists on the Timeline. The peculiar nature of the Timeline is that things are constantly boinging in-and-out of their “respective” times and existing here and there along the Timeline. So the pudding in question while at one moment might be in your local grocery establishment, the next minute its boinging backwards to the Jurassic Age. Think of the Timeline like you would think of an avocado that has super-powers, but drives in the slow lane. Look it makes sense to us who are at the cutting edge of science.”
God has remained silent on the debate ever since declaring Himself an atheist in regards to the existence of human beings and has thusly not returned any of our calls.
Upon closer inspection you can see the fossilized pudding snack pack.
