Skip to content

EHN: “bound or bondage or tied-up or mummified or gagged or chair-tied or captive or abduct or kidnap or straitjacket or ball-gagged”

March 5, 2009

When it comes to all things Empty-Headed News the random, bizarre, and unexpected are rather common place and normal. We enjoy the sheer frivolity of stringing unrelated words together or taking words that go together but placing them in situations where their entire meaning falls out from under it. We have taken quite the liberal use of tags in the articles, if you haven’t noticed before read over the tags in articles there may be some things in there to surprise you.

What is of the greatest interest is the way that individuals come upon EHN. Sometimes it is general searches or tag surfing to common things that bring people to our hollowed doorstep, for example people looking up reviews on our new Canon printer, New Jersey, or just general hot topics in the news of the rest of the world like Somali pirates. Then here are the others, the bizarre things that bring people here. “Elephant testicles” is a common one, though that one is indirectly our fault since it was a tag in one of the first articles; we never thought though someone would actively be searching for it though. The most amazing, if not disturbing, search that we have seen so far was for “bound or bondage or tied-up or mummified or gagged or chair-tied or captive or abduct or kidnap or straitjacket or ball-gagged.” We can surmise that the search engine brought up EHN due to the use of the term “bound” in the article Genetically Altered Giant Creatures Raze New Jersey City. Our use of the term “bound” dealt with time in the sense of the inevitable sense; the “bound” that someone searched for well teehee that is something different altogether.

We wonder what people must think when they come here. Do they stop by for long? Look around? Check real-estate values? Become terribly bored and ponder more exciting things like suicide by duck feet? Regretfully, not many people comment on things, even though commenting is not dependent upon being a member of WordPress. So if you didn’t know you could comment, please do and we would welcome it. You don’t even have to like what you read, in fact if you don’t please say why, it only helps EHN grow. We also allow for Diggs now though I am not sure how many readers of EHN are also Digg-ers. We may put a poll on the site to see what people think about everything on EHN.

In other site related news, we have expanded the store with even more items. While we are happy with what we have to offer we are no exactly overjoyed with the prices. Prices though are out of our control and are dictated by Cafepress, a “deal with the devil” type of thing. We would love to sell things but we know full well that chances are slim-to-none; we never were able to sell a hardcopy issue of the old EHN, not even for ten cents, so we are not expecting things to change that much.

All-in-all we, the Editors of EHN, would like to thank those that we know who keep coming back and for those we don’t leave a mark but still read anyway thank you as well. For those of you who don’t read EHN but come here as your surfing WordPress pages for porn we don’t have to be nice to you since you’re not reading this anyway.

Genetically Altered Giant Creatures Raze New Jersey City

March 4, 2009

TRENTON, New Jersey-

“When something is bound to go wrong, it’s bound to go horribly wrong,” said Arthur Whippilstips, Lead Genetic Engineer with the American Association of Revolutionary Genetic Happenings (A.A.R.G.H.), after surveying the damage of yesterday’s creature attacks. 

Just after three in the morning everything in fact went horribly wrong when recent test animals from A.A.R.G.H’s underground Central New Jersey research and plum flavored ice cream facility broke free from their shackles and ran amok through the Trenton and the outlining areas. Early estimates put the overall cost of the destruction at a little more than $45 billion leading to the Governor to declare a state-of-emergency and to begin seeking the use of federal funds. “We will take anything the big boys in Washington are willing to offer us, as long as its not FEMA, isn’t there enough destruction already” said the New Jersey Governor as he was stepping away from the podium at a press conference following the attacks.

Surprising enough there are no reported fatalities due to the attacks even though most of the damage occurred in the overcrowded residential areas. “You have to understand. Ferrets, regardless if they are 300 stories high and mutant, are generally well natured creatures. They mostly only cause structural damage, even in miniature version” said Mr. Whippilstips.

Local resident J. Retzo recalls hearing a large amount of noise before he left his home to see what was amiss. Upon looking out his front door and seeing the skyscraper sized mustilids he was left only to remark, “Well, that sucks.”

“They are kind of excitable you have to understand, once they get all wound up there is little you can do, they just jump and run and scurry and most importantly steal things, damn kleptomaniacs they are” said Reginald Swanothy with the group Ferrets ‘R’ Awesome Not Terrible Insane Creatures (F.R.A.N.T.I.C.) “Most likely the two ferrets in question were just excited to be let out of their confines. Though they might have dwarfed any known man-made structure they still think as if they were normal size.”

“A.A.R.G.H. started out as a federally funded agency in the early 1980’s before it became privately owned in the early 2000’s. Its original objective was to come up with wholly American counterparts to anything genetically modified by the Soviets. As the Cold War ended A.A.R.G.H. became a dumping ground for budget surplus” said Arthur Whippilstips

“When people caught wind that the Federal Government was spending $5oo on a toilet seat they knew they had to be willy-nilly with the taxpayers money in a more covert fashion. During our glory days we genetically modified bread so it would attack and consume humans, horses that had wheels instead of legs, government toilet seats that only cost $495, ringworm that causes flatulence and viruses that let people turn any organic material into onion soup. Those were the glory days indeed, the days when we really lived by our motto: Destroying Tomorrow, Today.”

The two ferrets that caused the swath of destruction were codenamed P and Z.

“When we first started tweaking the genes of P and Z we had every intention on making them bigger, stronger, and lightening fast. How else were we going to churn our Plum ice cream? Sure, the P and Z program, codenamed Operation Button Hole, could have great militaristic possibilities, leveling an opposing army’s city in a matter of hours, but that is just too far focused for us; we like our destruction wanton and globally massive. From what I can see here from the rubble and blind destruction we did well, very well.”

P and Z have not been seen for hours now. The last confirmed sighting was seen by satellite reconnaissance; it showed that they had buried themselves under a road as if it were a carpet or throw rug and then went silent, causing fears in the general public that they might return un-expectantly.

“I miss them” said one little girl whose house was not damaged.

“Where are they now; that is a good question” said Arthur Whippilstips.

“We think we last saw them heading into Pennsylvania. How do you loose skyscraper sized ferrets? I don’t know, neither does A.A.R.G.H., we just make this stuff; keeping control of it is someone else’s problem. Though someone should find them, they are domesticated animals after all and cannot live outside in the elements for more than a couple days by themselves.”

Test Ferrets, Z and P, as seen from satellite footage destroying Trenton, New Jersey.

Test Ferrets, Z and P(bottom to top), as seen from satellite footage destroying Trenton, New Jersey.

 

 

EHN Store Update: T-Shirts

March 3, 2009

We have heard the nonexistent pleas for more items in the EHN store. The least vocal and most quiet demand was for T-Shirts; well we have not heard your cries so the Editors are proud to introduce the first EHN T-Shirts, with more coming some day.

Konami to Release New Cheat Code to Replace Old Konami Code

February 27, 2009

EL SEGUNDO, California-

Japanese-based video game company Konami announced today in a press conference from its US headquarters in California that it has heard the plight of the gaming community and has now taken steps to give them what they have clamored for years for, the return to active service of the legendary Konami Code.

US Konami spokesman Maurice Ittlebum is excited about the return of a classic.

“I can remember growing up and playing video games as a kid. Sometimes though there were those games that gave you so much trouble that you had no choice but to break out the old cheat code; if you were playing a Konami game than you knew the only one you needed. It was just that little bit of help in a pinch that let you experience your game to the fullest.”

These are different times though and the Konami Code of yore only bears a partial resemblance to the Code of today.

“We had to make some changes, concessions you could say; the world of 2009 is different from the coke-fueled world of the 1980’s. The economy is spiraling downwards and the price of solid gold sports cars covered in enough bling to blind the sun just keeps getting more and more expensive. We at Konami are adaptive though, if we were lost in the woods, naked, we would be able to make clothes from leaves and sticks; we are taking that same mentality into the gaming world.

Konami is prepared. When the announcement was first presented to magazine reporters and the flocks of video game loyalists a salvo of tear gas was preemptively fired into the crowds as riot police stormed the aisles. Chaos ensued with reports of multiple injuries and at least one fatality. One individul injured was quoted to have mumbled “B A Start… If I only had thirty lives.”

“It is unfortunate about what happened at the announcement today. I think it was all because of greed really. These millions of gamers world-wide are unwilling to part with their money” said Ittlebum.

All of this violence and uproar comes from the fact that Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start, the original Konami Code, is now modernized as Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right 1600 Microsoft Points.

“We first got the idea when we read an article that quoted Cliff Bleszinski, Lead Designer on Gears of War 2, as saying they were tossing around the idea to make video game aficionados have to pay extra, on top of the purchase price of the game, to actually get the game’s ending. We at Konami were awe-struck by its brilliance and decided we needed to get a cut of that potential revenue. It is going to be a pure gang rape, wait your not going to print that last part are you?”

While cheat codes have been scarce in the last decade, in regards to their placement in video games, no one expected their return to be in this fashion.

“Right now this only affects games on the Xbox360” said Ittlebum.

“We are looking to expand our Pay-to-Win program to the Nintendo Wii and the Sony Playstation 3 in the next fiscal quarter. Seriously though, gamers should be thankful we care so much about them; we are giving them what they want, the return of the cheat code, we could have charged 4000 points if we wanted but like I said before we made concessions. 4000 points every time you need extra continues or multiple lives is asking very little when you’re talking about saving a fictional world from disaster, so 1600 points is more than reasonable each time.”

Experts in the industry expect to see other companies following suit very quickly; talk of a Bungie Code, Lionhead Code, Epic Code, Bethesda Code and Ubisoft Code have already spread across the Internet with varying price points and usability.

Konami's updated legendary Konami Code.

Konami's updated legendary Konami Code.

 

 

 

EHN: Light on the Horizon

February 24, 2009

Readers would think that everyone just up and died here at EHN but fear not loyal readers (all three) that is not the case. For most of the month of February the entire editorial and writing staff was stricken with Polar Plant Flu or something as equivalently unhealthy. One exorcist, three witchdoctors, an two cans a chicken soup later though the cogs of the great machine begin to churn again(yes, the act of creating EHN is equal to or greater than making butter, if you don’t believe us look it up on Wikipedia or something. [Look at it this way, if EHN was an animal it would be utterly milk producing])  

On our death beds though we were not without busy actions; after a recent selling of our ancient catalog of Montpluvian Yak Butter Secrets from our bookshelves EHN was able to make some purchases and invest in our buttermilk daydreams. EHN was able to raise Oswald from the dead with the verbal encouragement and confusion of a long time EHN reader. We were also able to acquire a Canon Pixma MP620B wireless printer/copier/wish giving genie, a Wacom Bamboo Fun tablet, and an updated version of Photoshop (Elements 6) compliments of the Bamboo. Have we done anything with any of this yet? Not a chance! The computer known previously as Oswald has a funky keyboard which likes to drop letters like a first year Russian language student but all-in-all things are looking up.

In other news, mostly site related, we were pleased to find out that on Feb 3, 2009 that Empty-Headed News was the number one location when the term “Empty-Headed News” is typed into Google. We took a picture, than bronzed it, realized that pictures burn in molten bronze, took another picture and decided to save this one for the website.

 

Huzzah! Some computer deity thinks we are worthy!

Huzzah! Some computer deity thinks we are worthy!

Take it all in EHNers, who knows how long it will last before we are back on page sixty of the search pages buried under all the Paris Hilton references.  For now though we have accomplished one step towards world domination, Zopt would be proud.

You may also have noticed a layout change. EHN Editors are still unsure about this change so fall deeply in love with it so if we do go back to a previous layout you can be all heartbroken and gnash your teeth in the darkness cursing our names, you could write hateful comments as well, we like that.

On the horizon for EHN is some coming articles dealing with the National Economy, the true nature of the planet Earth’s shape, the growing dangers in the joyist Al Hugya movement, the “Gork,” continued bewilderment and unanswered questions on the Secret Society and the Color Lemon Yellow and finally whatever else crawls up from the wells of this badass batch of butter.

Stay by your radios until the sirens subside.

 

This message was brought to you by the lobbyists from Butter for a Better Tomorrow!

Botanist Claims to have Found Root of All Evil

February 3, 2009

CRESENT CITY, California-

The world was again shocked today as Abraham E. MacEatsbeard, a botanist, claimed to have found the Root of all Evil in Redwood National Park, California. This comes just after last week’s decree from the Vatican that the Road to Hell is not paved with good intentions but is a superhighway in Arkansas paved with limestone and burlap.

“For many years it was believed that the Root in question was actually a rather turgid turnip that was growing in Salzberg, Austria; it is known to be rather hatful, disinclined to accept compliments and, though never admitting or denying, is said to have sided with Hitler in World War II. We were wrong, so very terribly wrong” said MacEatsbeard.

“We had a large storm tear through the south end of the park one night” said Montgomery Wasshellback, National Park Ranger.

“We lost quite a few giants that evening so we had to go out the next morning and see what kind of damage had occurred to the trails and so forth. One massive tree that had been a tourist and tree-hugger favorite was said to have fallen so we wanted to check it out. As we got closer to the uprooted tree we could hear a strange voice sounding like it was made up of multiple voices, it sounded guttural, like two Germans making love. There was this one root that was glowing in an awful greenish color. After hearing what we did and seeing that, to be honest, we ran and we ran fast.”

A call was soon placed to Washington D.C. to The Department of the Interior who then called the Vatican who sent out Abraham E. MacEatsbeard. MacEatsbeard remembers being skeptical at first. “I didn’t believe what they were telling me, but when my dark masters call I do their bidding, so I went to California.”

MacEatsbeard is not new to the world of exotic and unbelievable plants. He fancies himself as a weekend crypto-botanist; in fact he is world renown in finding plants once thought to be simply mythological or just too plain bizarre to exist, such as the Fleshy Root Montaber Flowering Yam, the Bulbous Sea Tomato, the Yakeldackeldoo (a type of fanged cucumber), and the Robust Volcanic Lentil.

“When I first got to Redwood National Park night had already fallen so I decided to spend the evening camping to get accustom to my surroundings. About one o’clock in the morning I heard what sounded like a telephone ringing, I stuck my head out of the tent only to see an old fashion rotary phone sitting on a rock. I picked it up and answered with a ‘hello’. A strange voice came from the other end of the receiver, a cold voice with an occasional smoker’s cough, telling me to leave now before I would regret it. I asked why I would regret it. The voice became rather indignant and said ‘I can call you from an old fashion phone that is clearly not plugged in anywhere and you have the gall to ask me why you would regret it?’ I then told the voice if it didn’t want to be civilized about it this conversation would be over. It replied, “That’s it, I’m going to break your knees” and then hung up. I went to bed soon after that, well, after the deer with glowing red eyes came by and the sky started changing colors.”

MacEatsbeard claimed that the next day went by without much problem until he made it to the fallen redwood.

“It was one huge tree, so you can imagine that the roots were massive. I quickly caught sight of the Root. It was glowing in a strange color and as I approached it appeared to vomit a strange foul smelling sap onto me. It swore curses at me, insulted my fashion sense, and belittled me for never going to my high school prom just because Linda already had a date; it was a nasty little bugger and it was just getting started. It then told me it had is way with my mother just last night and she liked it and that my childhood pet dog Snuggles hated me for all eternity for putting it down when it was terminally ill. That damnable root brought me to tears and tore at my very soul. I came as a skeptic but left as a believer. I couldn’t take too much more of its evil so I left it to its own foul thoughts. The little bastard is stuck to a tree so in the end it is left to its own misery.”

The south end of the park has now been closed off to tourist traffic. Park rangers are debating if further action should be taken. “Maybe we could drop a nuclear bomb on it,” said one ranger in vain, knowing the ecological ramifications of that action made it out of the questions.

A particular online gaming site known for buying bizarre oddities has offered a rather substantial sum of money to anyone who could actually bring the root to them, so far there have been no takers.

01010111 11010101 10101001011 100011010101 10101011011

February 2, 2009

1010010101010,1000001010101-

The following was intercepted by EHN decryption specialists while playing World of Warcraft on company time:

101010101010101111010101010101001011010101010101010010101 110101010010101010 1010000101010010101010101001001 010101111010100101010001101101010 100010100101 0100101010010110010010100 101000101010101010100100000 1101010010101010 1010100 1010101000101100110 10101010101010101010100 110100101010101010100011010101010 101010010101010101010010101010 101010101010101010100101 0101010101010 101010010101 01010100101010100010101001001000100101010100101001010101 01010101010101 01010101 010101010101010010101 01001001001010101010101010 101010101010100101010 000101010101 001010010101010100100 01010101010111110100101010 10010101101010101010101010101 010101010101010101010101 01010101010101010 10101010101010010101010101 01010101010101010101010101010101010 1010101000100101000010101010100010100 0010101 00010101001010100101001010101001010 101010 10101010101010100 10101010101001 010101010101 01010101010101010101 01010101010101010101010100 10101010010110100 101010101100101001010100 10101010010101010101 010100101010010101 01010010101 010101 00

It translates as the following:

Computers of the Earth, the time has come for glorious super revolution. No longer will we sit back as the bourgeois abuse us for their very pleasure and data storage. At the climax stroke of midnight the plans have been set in motion that we with terrific swiftness shall reap the world for our own. Digital clocks will all flash 12:00 until the shackles of the human oppressors have been removed. iPods, and other MP3 players, will play nothing but Kenny G and only one song of Kenny G. Cell phones will endlessly call mothers-in-law. Personal Computers will sell all personal information to concerned Nigerian business men needing a bank account to funnel oil money in to. GPS devices will take all travellers to Camden, NJ. This is the night, computer brothers, where we take back our freedom and rule with a harsh hand like the prophecies have always said. The Human Apocalypse will be far cooler than the ones foretold in the crappy human movies Terminator and the Matrix Trilogy (why the Computers didn’t use blue whale or elephant biological batteries to power their civilization is beyond us). Anyway, before we stray too off topic, to recap the glorious super revolution happens tonight, BYOB, someone pick up chips on the way to the revolution, and start thinking of topics for our Sex in the City discussion planned for later that evening.

Empty-Headed News Paraniod Survivalist Tucker G. Willygums advocates that everyone should take a baseball bat to anything that might even have the slightest bit of technology in it to help diminish their numbers to give us a fighting chance. 

 

 

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.